Roots, not Flowers

You fell in love with my flowers and not my roots so when autumn came you didn’t know what to do

More and more I realize that this holds true for many relationships as well as my past one. However, Apple Pie is proving that he is making the conscious decision to love me and love and understand my roots.

Recently, I had a breakdown. I’m not sure what it was/is, but it’s been persistent for over a year now. I think it’s scary to admit that it’s been going on for so long. It’s strange to see it written as ‘over a year’. And even more concerning when I admit it happens at least once a month.

I fight off suicidal ideations and self-harm ideations.

I have to self-talk myself down and make sure I don’t harm myself. It’s something I never talked to ex-bae. I don’t remember confiding in him a lot, especially in depth. I do remember telling him not to worry since it happens every month.

It’s a difficult situation to explain. It’s all the more frustrating because of my self-destructive behavior and slight anxiety. I push away the people who care and could help.

This past weekend was the most difficult, by far. I don’t even really recall what got me in such a terrible mood. I just remember wanting to cut myself. I remember wanting to hurt myself so badly. I felt numb to my body. The sensation of my finger running across my forearm was too strange, I felt the need to inflict pain. I guess an out of body experience? I started to tell Apple Pie how I was feeling off but told him I’d sleep it off. He called me immediately. After trying to explain myself, I sobbed when he asked if he could do anything.

All that came to my mind was, “You can’t cause it’s all in my head”.

Apple Pie kept asking if I wanted him to come over, and although I really did want him to, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave the house. At least without telling my parents that I felt terrible and needed him. (But that would mean revealing this side of me that they never knew and probably won’t be able to understand.) So he and I met up the morning after.

I asked him over the phone if he would be sad if I was gone. He replied, “I’d be sad and I’d miss you”. I started to cry again. I realized that sadness is not the only emotion of grief, but there is also longing.

Autumn comes for me every month. And Apple Pie may not know how to help, but he stays with me. It helps me to understand that he’s staying for more than the pretty flowers.