Big said something when I was breaking up with ex-bae that I’d have random moments when I’d think back to him and it would hurt all over again. I have yet to experience that hurt, but I do feel that guilt over and over again. But that’s not what this is about.
This was a thought during my relationship with ex-bae. I did not tell him, and I don’t have any plans to tell him now. During the relationship, I brushed away these thoughts. I thought I was being dramatic and fabricating emotions and reality. However, now that I’ve had some time away from the relationship and exploring a new dynamic with Apple Pie, I realize a few things didn’t add up.
First, I felt an obligation to engage in sexual conduct. I should never have felt the need to be obligated to do anything. Sexual or otherwise. But I did. I felt the obligation to give my (then) bae what he wanted. (What I thought he wanted.)
Second, I am just as entitled to my own pleasure as he is to his pleasure. Or, I should have been. With my current relationship and how Apple Pie treats me, the contrast is very, very concerning. I feel human now? It’s such a terrible thing to say, but I feel like I am something and someone more than a man’s tool for pleasure. During my past relationship, this type of feeling and thought never occurred. Talking with current work and SW friends who are also sexually active and liberated makes it easier to see how twisted my past relationship was. (They are horrified and angry that ex-bae didn’t make me cum/didn’t give me head.) I didn’t pay any attention to my own pleasure because in my head, it was second to his pleasure. Maybe it was internalized misogyny or my need to please others, but either way, I was mistreated.
Third, I feel comfortable being honest and open about how I feel about sex that day. Also sounds like a weird point, but how twisted is it that I did not feel comfortable telling my (then) bae that I didn’t want to have sex? Very. It wasn’t that I was scared of a physical retribution. I think I was afraid to disappoint. This was such a weird dialectic tension. I didn’t care to date ex-bae long term, but I also didn’t want to break up with him. This mindset lasted until the day we finally said our goodbyes. This honesty with sex is something I realized while dating Apple Pie. I thought I could say ‘no’ to ex-bae. I even tested it out the first time we had sex. But I don’t remember if I tried it again any other time. Maybe I did, but it doesn’t matter because in the end, I had sex plenty of times without actually wanting it. With Apple Pie, it’s so easy to be honest. I know he won’t hold it against me.
Overall, I guess this makes me into another statistic of women who were/are sexually abused/mistreated/raped by their significant other. I don’t like to minimize my story into numbers, but it’s very difficult. All the more, I find that rape culture is suffocating. Even with the #metoo movement and sexual assault/harassment awareness increasing, it is incredibly difficult to talk about your own experiences. The self-minimizing and self-silencing…
Apple Pie has been very supportive and helpful is processing all of this. He has a better grasp than me. Even now, it’s difficult for me to admit my past relationship to be sexually abusive. I keep trying to defend ex-bae with “he didn’t know”, “I didn’t tell him even though I should have”, “if I had told him, it wouldn’t have happened”, and “I don’t deserve to call it abuse bc…”.
The Missing Chapter 