Overall Update

I ended up talking to him about all my extreme case scenarios. I thought he would reply with my worst fear, but he reacted like I had hoped. Now I feel reassured in his feelings for me.

Which is now becoming an issue. During winter break, I caught up with old church friends and my brother. It did not go well. They have noticed my change. I didn’t think I had changed until I started to hang out with them again. I’ve become more liberal and brittle and less sensitive. It’s strange because I prided myself in being the most caring and sensitive. Of course, it has to be the same friend to point this out to me every single time there is a shift in my personality/character. Some times I resent her for that. It is people like her that cause me to want to act out more. I understand that she wouldn’t mind a change if it was for the better, but I feel as though I have a personal police following me around.

What’s worse was their criticism of my relationship. It was a huge wet slap in the face. They just continued to repeat what I already knew going into this relationship. They weren’t any help with coming up with a solution either. All they had to offer was ‘You shouldn’t have kept it going this long’ and ‘Just break up with him now’. Wow guys. You cause me all this stress and anxiety and just leave me to deal with it and fix it. It seems as though every person I meet and every situation I’m in is telling me to break up with him because religion. I still like him. I want to be with him. I’m happy with him.

That’s what makes me tear up now. I am so happy with him. I love being around him, fooling around with him, making jokes, and just being gross/romantic with him. Then the fear starts to sink in. It wasn’t supposed to get this serious. I have to be able to let go. Worse, he needs to be able to let go. I knew I wouldn’t marry him. I know I can’t spend forever with him. In my head, we are not compatible. But for him, I’m the best thing that has happened to him. In his most recent texts: ‘U know you are the best partner anyone could ever ask for. Thanks for being in my life’. God dammit.

In his head, I’m a done deal. I’m the woman he envisioned he’d fall in love with and marry. I’m crushing his dreams. I just finished reading The Fiery Heart by Richelle Mead. Adrian and Sydney have to fight past personal and societal morals to be together. And they do it because they can. They can because their morals are bendable. Adrian can because being with a human is not completely unheard of. Sydney can because her morals aren’t based on facts but just opinions and stereotypes.

I can’t change that there is one God. A living God. With a blissful heaven, and a wrathful hell. I can’t run away with him because I cannot abandon the truth of the Bible. I have made my decision. But sometimes I wish with all my heart that I could live that ideal Nicholas Sparks or John Green story. Maybe not all the death, but the happy closure and simple morals. Meet a guy who is Mr. Perfect and date, experience the world together, and marry.

My heart breaks to think about breaking his heart. But at the same time, my heart is readying itself to do it. He says ‘I love you’, but because of this turmoil I can’t say it back to him. I think he’s realized this since he declares it more frequently. (Or maybe that’s just me being overly sensitive). I don’t even feel urges of libido anymore. I feel as though it’s time soon. I feel frustrated though. I feel as though I have lost my one chance at romance. More and more, I cannot see any good that comes out of being a Christian. I feel as though I am denied any happiness on Earth in exchange for something greater in heaven.

I want to be happy. I want him to be happy. That’s all.

Salt Water

I didn’t realize. I didn’t think he was being serious. However, he cried when I confirmed that I was not planning on being with him for the long run. I thought he had the same thoughts as me. That this is a relationship and relationships end. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a date I set when I break up with him. I just think it’ll happen. Personally, he doesn’t have neither of the requirements I set for my future husband. He isn’t Korean nor speak Korean and he isn’t Christian.

He cried. Salt water spilled from this eyes as we lay naked together. My heart ached so much, and I couldn’t say anything more than ‘I’m sorry’. This was the week of when we first started to have sex. I regretted not clearing this up before. I told him that. I told him I wouldn’t do anything until he gave me an answer. I needed to know whether or not he would want to continue to date me even though he knew it would not be forever (as he said multiple times).

I couldn’t handle it. It was the one thing I did not want to do: to hurt him.

But he decided to stay with me.

He decided it would all be worth it.

It’s been two weeks now(?) and I still worry. Will he be okay?

I don’t think so. Now, I know what he’ll be doing when I break up with him. I can’t say ‘if’. I wish I could. Sometimes I wonder. The future is a funny thing so I wonder what it would be like to marry him. Personally, I don’t think I’ll mind. I love him, and he’s such a great friend. And you know what they say, your husband should be your best friend. However, those two traits he does not possess keep me from saying ‘I do’.

3 Words 8 Letters

I got into a relationship recently. August 22nd. It was date #3.

It’s been a little over a week, and I’m wondering if I made the right decision. He told me he loved me today. I don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t think he puts as much weight into those words as I do but is still dead serious. He loves me. He was this great feeling for me. And where am I?

I like him. However, I don’t think I love him. And it’s unfair. It’s only been a week, and I’m so frightened for what is to come that I want to tap out. My fight or flight response is really kicking in, and I want to flee. I want to run away and not look back. It’s only been a week, and this fear in my heart makes me want to break up. (Which means telling all our friends we’ve broken up…after a week.)

And then another part of me wants to jump right in…to his pants. I have to admit, he is not very handsome. But looks are only part of attraction. Today when I was cuddling with him, I had to fight the sudden urge to grab him by either side of his face and kiss him. It didn’t help that he had told me “I’ll try to keep it down” before we laid on the couch together. Apparently it was “dangerous” for me to lay on top of him cause he “might get excited.”

Talk about awkward. And very VERY honest.

I swear. Sometimes I want to give into the little devil on my shoulder. It’s telling me to give into carnal desires. Sure, I’ll most likely regret my decision come a year or so, but I’ll be satisfied in the moment. More and more I’m thinking about the advice my church friends and I shared back and forth. Guarding hearts. Keeping physical contact to a low. PDA is a nope. (Well, that last one is more of a personal preference.) I realize that I’m not keeping any of these advice.

My spirituality has dropped down to a simmer. It’s really all head knowledge, and I still believe in these facts and morals. However, I don’t really have the heart and zeal. Thus, it doesn’t help when this relationship has no basis on God, and I don’t expect it. He’s agnostic? Kinda Buddhist or atheist?

After he told me those three terrifying words, I pretended to be embarrassed and didn’t say it back. I don’t think I’ll ever. Those words hold too much meaning. Even if I ever date a man I really really really like (and not marry), I don’t think I’ll ever think that “I love him”. I just really really like him.

Love is almost taboo. It’s a sacred word. I feel as though people use it too casually these days.

love

noun

1. 1.

   an intense feeling of deep affection.

Intense. Deep. I have a feeling of affection. It’s not intense, and I don’t think it’s the depth described. (Though I do think it’s a certain depth of affection.)

Because our relationship is now starting out and we’re spending more time in physical contact, I think our bodies are responding. I can’t say for him, but I guess the normal physical reaction when in contact with a new person(?) It’s kind of like the honeymoon phase when couples are lovey-dovey. I think it’s also a phase when couples are also more physically attracted to each other…and sexually. I think it makes sense. The body is trying to do what it’s supposed to: reproduce.

In most cases I’ve heard, it’s from a Christian’s perspective which leaves out sexual attraction. However due to our differing moral beliefs, he’s a little more upfront about it. Not to mention, it’s something I need to control cause then no one else will. He said that holding my hand and kissing my cheek is enough and sex seems impossible…but who knows.

So I caved today. He usually kisses me on the cheek when we say good-bye. Today I did the same for him when we parted ways. I think he was surprised and probably happy (if his confession of love is anything to go by).

Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it will be a fond memory. It was innocent. (Lol, innocent compared to what my friends have been up to with hickeys and all.)

Just a whole bunch of thoughts going on and no one to completely confide in. Yet again. I will be updating more about this since it is concern #1 (since I can’t control it all. Only 50%).

New Relationships

So my childhood friend might be getting into a romantic relationship with this guy from college. She and I attend different colleges so I don’t know who this guy is. I’m so glad for her. She was so worried that no one would be able to see her romantically. Even an inkling, someone did/does.

Then I reflect on myself. Isn’t the human funny? It always goes back to me, me, me. I always had hope that someone would fall in love with me, and I him. We would get married, and we’d work through it all. However, I’m slowly starting to doubt myself. Again, a lot of my friends from high school are now dating people from their university. Of course, not everyone is in a relationship. And I know most of them won’t marry their significant others. But a part of me dreads. The college ministry I am a part of at church has plenty of people who are older, currently working, and single. Woohoo! Hurray for me! I have a relatively large sea of fish that I can search in. Wrong.

I see it differently. There are all these people who graduate from college and still are unable to find ‘the one’. They are still looking for someone. All these people. I worry that I’ll be part of this statistic. I’ll be single and looking for a long time. I feel like it’s only a worry now since a lot of people I know are getting together with someone. Very much like how it was in middle school. People were just understanding how relationships works and dating. Since the few around me date, I feel as though everyone is dating and happy but me. Then I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I not attractive?

I’m just hoping that this insecurity will pass.

Carnival

We had a carnival type of event at school today for the anniversary of the school’s founding or something. Jesse McCartney came.

The entire day I spent waiting in lines for rides and food with this one guy. The guy that people are now shipping with me. He’s a good friend. I could see myself going out with him some day.

I’m getting closer to another guy. A senpai I guess. He’s super friendly. Also did I mention SUPER friendly. I’m a little put off by how much he’s talking to me and paying attention to me. The relational progression is going too fast. Back to the story.

So I’m short. Right under 5’3″. Short + Crowd = Blind. So guess what? Senpai decides he’d offer to carry me on his shoulder. Then my guy friend, the same one I hung out with, offers his saying I might not be comfortable on senpai’s shoulder. He’s right. But I didn’t want to choose when senpai asked first. Plus, senpai was taller. That was beginning of the concert. I told my friend I would get on his shoulders for a song I actually knew. End of concert, Jesse is singing Beautiful Soul and I get on friend’s shoulders.

In between, I’ve been making eye contact with this guy standing to my left. Well, he’s been kinda looking back at me. I didn’t know a song so not hyped. We make eye contact again, he smiles, and encourages me to dance. This happened twice. Then he left, and I never saw him again.

So today was a lot of interaction with boys. All the while I’m suspicious. What’s with all this attention? Is it kindness or attraction? But the thing is, I don’t really care. I like the attention but it’s not from the person I want it to be from.

I hate to admit, but I really think I have an actual crush on Mikey. It’s not going away. When I think about someone asking me out, I worry that Mikey’s romantic interest in me will disappear. I don’t want it to disappear. I want it to grow and I want to get attention from him. I kinda am….but he gives attention to other girls too.

(Plus, he’s friends with senpai and my guy friend. Are guys as loyal as I think they are?)

TLDR; all this attention from other guys makes me realize I only want one guy to give me special attention.

Settled on Single

Either I’m good at attracting angst or I create angst in my own life.

OR I’m not good at making friends and getting to know guys who aren’t equally nice to all the other girls.

OR all the boys I know are thirsty and friendly to all girls.

So I’ve settled on the fact that I’ll probably be single until I get married when I’m like 30. Even that is a ‘if I get married’ and ‘hopefully when I’m like 30’.

New Meat?

Quick update on Mikey. As predicted, I’m not the only person he has interest in getting to know more. Honestly, I wasn’t disappointed as much. And as I get to know him more, our personalities contrast a bit, at least romantically. As friends, it’ll probably be fine.

BUT, he has a childhood friend who I’ve been getting to know more. He’s more like me. He’s nice. Average looking. Apparently a mutual friend of ours, the one that told me about Mikey, ships us. I don’t mind. I feel like at this point I’m open to new experiences. Not looking for a super serious commitment though. Shrugs. All I know is that there might be new meat on the table.

Worth So Much More

one day someone will walk into your life. then you realize love was always worth waiting for.

This is something I texted my friend when they were having problems with a lover who tends to neglect them. (All verbatim except for specific names)

I know things feel good with him, but is this a healthy relationship?

I’m gonna call you out  And make you feel uncomfortable. Because our school friends won’t. Your guy friends won’t. Your non-school friends won’t. And your mom definitely won’t. So I’m gonna play the bad guy and make you think.

Sigh. I might be making things harder on you, and I’m sorry. Especially since you just want to vent right now.

Probably told ya this but after my “anger” subsided the day you told me about what you two did over the summer, and I thought about things, I was crying.

You guys (all my friends) mean so much more than for some guy to just take. It has to be a great guy. A great person. Cause there are many “some guy”s out there. Who will date you and say he loves you. And he’ll mean it. He really will. But…that’s just some guy.

I don’t want “some guy” touching me. Cause I am worth much more than that. I have more value. And you do too.

It makes me frustrated and furious when I hear you tell me things about how he ignores you and etc. To me, he’s the bad guy. And to him, I’m the bad guy. He just doesn’t know it yet.

…you okay? Won’t blame you if you’re annoyed with me. It’s not easy to be called out. I know.

And this is what I want to say to EVERY SINGLE ONE of you. Like a previous post I made, it’s okay to terminate a relationship if it’s not healthy. AND PLEASE! CHERISH YOURSELF AND YOUR BODY! It’s conservative, I know. Don’t give yourself away to some guy. Cause there are a LOT of “some guy”s.